What you ought to know is, when we first started this journey, I wasn't ready. We went through three interviews, spaced through about six months, and I chickened out. I really needed to try through medical intervention to get pregnant. We did that for about nine months until March of 2009, when God told me that it was really time to stop.
And now here we are.
It's about the little one whose footsteps we are anxiously awaiting to hear, and about our own little steps in the international adoption process.
This is going to be a long, LONG journey, not to mention an expensive one. But worth it.
Already, at this point of just finishing the initial application, we've already had to make a decision about what country, what age, and siblings-yes or no. We've also had to come to terms with a few things.
One, this child will not be coming from my womb. I had to get okay with that. Well, better than just okay. I had to be sure that in my heart, adoption was such a strong desire that it was not just a "Plan B", because my danged ovaries didn't work.
Also, all my life, I wanted to be pregnant and have a baby. My husband isn't primarily the nurturing type. And I'm not too dependent on anybody, but dadgummit, I'd like to be pampered a little bit. I thought, for longer than a weekend or anniversary, I might get waited on hand and foot without any expectation. And there was the question - will I feel like this child is mine? Will I be able to bond in the way that I'd throw myself in front of a bus for a child? Well, yes. I teach school, and I'd do that for (most of) my students. I can't see any child get hurt and not take action. But would we be able to bond like mother and child with it already being a year or so old?
This leads to my second big leap of faith, this child will not be a newborn. There are all kinds of questions about the child's physical and emotional history that I just will not be able to get answers to.
My husband, the Eagle Scout adventurer, got to a place of acceptance with these facts faster than I have. In fact, the impetus to adopt really started with him. Originally, we held it off in the distance, like our late 30's if we still had not gotten pregnant. And we would extinguish every avenue for natural childbirth that we felt was ethically acceptable for us before we considered this road. But God had other plans for us, including a major heart change. Isn't that His way?
Therefore, convinced of the special burden and relationship God has with orphans and abandoned persons, and convinced of our role in being the hands and feet of God in the world, we answered a call to pursue an orphaned or abandoned child to bring into our home and our waiting arms. I daydream about paint colors and names. I price flights to Asia, and plan fundraisers. And I think about how soon until we begin the process all over again for our second child, if we don't get siblings this first time through.
And in my mind, I hear a tiny voice and little footsteps, and see beautiful almond shaped eyes shining under black hair looking up with expectation, waiting to be held.
How could this possibly be a Plan B?