Ah, Friday

How I love thee.
Let me count the ways.
1. I get 4 good hours of planning time.
2. I use those 4 good hours playing solitaire and shopping online.
3. There is usually some good weekend activity ahead. This week - grilling burgers, spring cleaning - which I am actually looking forward to - and a little art making if time permits.
4. And on this particular Friday -

PAYDAY!

I know these are superficial reasons to love a day. But sometimes you need the break. My sloth gets paid back by the particular group of kids that come to my room on this day. I feel like I totally earn the down-time. Last year, the dreaded day of classes was Tuesday. This year, it's a little Wednesday, but mostly Friday.

Why yes, I do think I would enjoy a little solitaire today. Thank you.
--------
On a completely different and much more serious note - because I'm bipolar like that - provided mother nature doesn't show up, I will take a PT this weekend. I'm not expecting to be expecting, since the progesterone levels were so low. And while I am so used to getting that "not pregnant" on the digital display, there is still a sense of failure you feel. Enemies that you can't see with your eyes whisper lies that God doesn't think you'll make a good mother, or that you don't deserve to be pregnant, or that you're dried up and it's never going to happen. Even though I prepare myself with prayer and some solitude (no, not solitaire), it still takes wind out of my sails for a couple of days until the next round of clomid starts. Then I begin to feel hopeful all over again.

I'm testing on Sunday morning. I have to sing "I Stand Amazed in the Presence...." a couple of hours after that, so to all my loving, well-meaning church friends, please don't ask me how it went. If it is positive, I'll let you know before you even have to ask, because all of Hattiesburg will be able to hear my screams of joy. But if it is negative, I am going to be working real hard with the Spirit's help and the shield of faith to extinguish fiery darts of doubt and self-pity so I can sing that song and mean it. Every time I have to sing at church, I always ask God to make me mute if my silence would honor Him more than a half-hearted "performance". That usually means I end up crying half-way during a song....or that the tape breaks. Both have happened.

Pray for me that even if my prayers aren't answered this month, that my heart will be full, my mind at peace, and my song sincere and beautiful to Him. Plus I have a cold, so that beautiful thing is really a question right now.

Grace and peace.....lots o' both.

What a week!!

Hormones or no hormones, this has been quite a week.

I did take Friday off, after all. Shouldn't have, because things went a little...well, a lot...bananas without me. In the end, I don't think there will be anything to worry about, but let's just say it made a little girl sick, and a mom extremely mad. But everybody seems fine right for the moment.

Fourth graders are learning to play the recorder - which they all constantly refer to as a flute, a little pet-peeve of mine. It's not a dadgum flute. Everyday, I get 25 kids blowing all manner of germs into my face, so now I'm REALLY sick. Last week was just emotional sickness. This week, it's physical. But will I be taking another sick day? Heck, no! They can just pick my lifeless body up and send me back home on an ox-cart.

I found out I can't teach private lessons at the school outside of school hours. There was a question about it that went to the district, and the answer was a resounding "absolutely not." That was a little sucker punch in the gut, but I feel even worse about the kids. They're the ones who are really going to get upset over this.

Someone I haven't seen in 9 years - and honestly don't remember her face, but I'll take her word on it that we met - contacted me with some well-timed encouragement about my music ministry. I am always flattered, but more surprised than anything that God uses me. And this was so long after the fact that the connection really came out of nowhere. It brought back some good memories of ministry in far-off places, scenes that can never again be duplicated....like worship during a thunderstorm when the lights went out. Everybody lit up their indiglo timex watch and we sang the songs we knew by heart with an eerie cloud of aqua blue stars held above our heads. What a night. My favorite worship service ever.

Not long after that, another old friend contacted me about taking another one of the same kind of far-off worship ministry journey. Coincidence? Not with my sovereign God. So I have to really consider it. You can pray for me about this. It should be pretty clear whether I can or can't do it. If we take a break from fertility treatment and start again after the summer, it would put us at May for a delivery - which is ultimately the best plan for teachers. You have the whole summer off to bond without having to worry about subs and paycheck deductions. Lots to take in.

My evaluation seemed to go well. I had a few curve balls thrown me by a couple of precocious kids: "Are monkeys naked?" "Are there belly dancers in Brazil?"
Answers: "God gave them fur coats. No." "If they are at Ipanema Beach in a bathing suit and dancing at the same time, yes."

I'll have a follow up meeting with the principal in the next couple of weeks to talk about the lesson and this year and the next. There is a question floating around the district about how budget cuts will effect arts and extracurricular activities next year. One of my friends has already been warned about his position. Who knows! I'm not worried. God always works things out. More and more, I am assured of this.

Trust with your whole heart.

Oh, my...

I have my annual evaluation today. I'm a little nervous about it because this lesson is a little difficult. I'm teaching 3rd graders to sing in Portuguese. This could totally derail. I did a run through with a different class yesterday, but a few things didn't go as planned. And I didn't hold their attention the way I wanted to. Hopefully, all bumps on the road have been smoothed in my mind and in my plans.

I'll let you know how it goes. I'm sure it'll be a doozie, with something worth reporting.

Paz.

And now for a new feature....

....that I totally ripped off of someone else's site....

JPEG of the week:




Trompe l'oeil - preying mantis or grapevine?

I've said it before....

I love Friday.

It's the day of the week that makes up for my crummy class schedule every other day. I have time to reflect over the past week's lessons, plan for the next, and do a little online perusing at Pottery Barn. I have looked forward to today all week long - even though I already had Monday off.

But there is a fly in the ointment (or if you live around here - erntment).

Those mood swings I was bragging about not having to deal with this month - except for the Steelers' game - yeah....They're back. At least momentarily.

How do I know? Well, you get this feeling like "Everybody around me is a freakin' idiot!!!! If one more of these WalMart shoppers cuts in front of me with their buggy, I'm going to follow them out to their car and beat them with a whole pork tenderloin!!!!"

I thought it might have been my sugar getting low. It does that in the afternoon sometimes. I eat lunch at 11am. And if supper is late, I get tingly. I thought I might have been making that up, you know, like psychosomatic illness. But I have actually tested my sugar at those times, and it has been under 60. I ate supper finally at 6:45, and sat up watching "Eagle Eye". (Pretty good movie. I'll watch it again.) I was more relaxed when I went to bed, but I was restless in my sleep and had weird dreams that involved murders and poop.

Don't ask.

Really, don't ask, because I have just as much insight into those dream scenarios as you do.

Anyways, I woke up in the same funk this morning. I wish I had gone with my gut instinct last night and taken today as a sick day. I've only taken one all year. I still have time before my first class this morning to get someone in for me. I've gotta think about that, though, because it'll mean coming in early on Monday to do what I can't get done today. And after all, wouldn't I rather bank some sick days for the days I'll be out either having a baby or traveling to pick one up in the next year or so?

So, I'll probably stick it out today. But I better not get messed with.

I bought a pork tenderloin last night.

Bring it!

I'm not crying

I slept with my contacts in. Well, I usually do that anyway. But one of 'em got a li'l cattywhompus in the middle of the night, so I threw them away this morning. It was time. The Lord giveth, and the Lord getteth --- mad that I don't take care of my eyes the way I'm supposed to. He always gives me a sign that it is time to let my eyes rest and breathe behind some rather stylish yet inexpensive Walmart eyeglasses. Every time I take my contacts out, my eyes water uncontrolably for a couple of days. It looks like I'm crying, but I'm not. On top of that, my allergies have been crazy this month because the super cold hard freeze of "aught-9" made us have mercy on our old fart of a dog. Winnie the Pooch has been in the house for about two weeks now. So between the watery eyes and the snotty nose, I look and SOUND like I am just tore up from the floor up.

I could be.

But I'm not.

The doctor's office called yesterday to give me the results of my progesterone test. Not only was it no better than last month's reading, it was actually lower. Possible, even with the increase medication this month? Apparently so. I was really surprised. But it hasn't knocked me down like the first negative test did, back when I had the sonogram. Between then and now, I have spend a lot more time in the WORD, getting priorities in line. Not that they're all where they need to be, but I have had a lot more peace lately about everything - house, baby, parents, money....everything. So I was able to just take a breath and talk to the nurse about what comes next. I'm not sure how they do this, and how much clomid I can take before we move to shots and stuff. So the next thing is to increase clomid and test for progesterone - AGAIN. I asked her what else they do to boost the progesterone levels. Answer:

"Well, there is a progesterone suppository that he may prescribe for you."

Now THAT might make me cry!

Have an AWESOME day!

Hang In There

Did anybody else have that poster of a kitten hanging by its little paws from a tree limb with this expression growing up? I did. And I wonder now, what kind of psychotic photographer would put a trusting baby animal in a position of not just fear, but perceived danger of falling or losing life? Hang in there?! Here's a better caption:

"Avoid psycho photogs!!"

I need to go back and remember my encouragements to myself to "hang in there" from previous posts, though, because - dangit - this is the part where that will really come in handy.

We've done everything exactly as the doctor ordered. I had bloodwork drawn yesterday to see if the medication is working. Note - this is not a pregnancy test. It's an ovulation test. Although, our church secretary swears they're going to find out we're pregnant with quadruplets - which would be okay with me. Maybe we could get our own TV show -

---"Joe and Jo plus Fo' "---

All we have to do now is wait for next week to get the progesterone level results. Provided they proved to be high enough, we'll then have another week to wait until we can actually take a pregnancy test. It's a grueling two weeks. This is usually when I get the camera out and try to find interesting subjects to photograph and edit, and occupy my time (too bad I don't have any kittens). Or read. Maybe I could learn how to knit. That'd be cool.

I made a prediction earlier this month when I learned the doc was doubling mg of my medication. I thought I would be a serious roller-coaster of emotions, and overall an evil person. It's actually been the opposite. I've been bubbly, giddy, silly, and have only cried at a couple of random things - like Willis McGehee getting carted off the field during the Ravens/Steelers game while his fellow Ravens used their bench as a prayer altar. Very touching. **Sniff**

Thank you, God, for peace that surpasses understanding. I've felt his nearness very much this month. I try to remind myself not to guage spiritual health by feelings. But after the last couple of months, I was worried about my mental health. Seems like things are leveling out, though. I physically don't feel any different than I did in the last months. But I feel better, overall.

Just waiting

My Finish Line

This is my first entry into a neat contest at the Scribbit blog. http://scribbit.blogspot.com/search/label/contests It's all about goals. Most of you know mine. This interpretation might make some of you a little uncomfortable. Not the intent at all. Just sharing from the heart. But just know that this might not be appropriate for all viewers.

By the way, one of my goals is to learn how to link back to other sites without having to show the http: address in the text.

My Finish Line
The calendar is marked for the big day
Training begins
A proper diet of lean protien and complex carbohydrates
Hydrate with lots of water
Take our vitamins
Our supplements
Medication
And we train
Stretches, leg lifts, butt kicks, squats, splits
We visit the doctor for the necessary bloodwork
The first fifteen days are all about setting the stage
But on day sixteen
The real work begins
We have no time for schedule conflicts
We are like the postman
Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night
We will always make time
We will not always have energy
A week of pushing, of working, of sweating
All that can be done is done
Then comes the waiting
Days tick by like seconds on a classroom clock in June
We wait
We pray
We test
The timer is set
Hope is on the horizon
We look for not one finish line
But two
- not pregnant
= pregnant

You know what I love?

I love the fact that when I talk to my grandkids, I can tell them about the major hurricane season of "aught-5" and the artic freeze of "aught-9". Isn't that just cool? Not the natural disaster part, just the fact of sounding like a truly nostalgic old-timer.

My husband has been out of town for two weeks, with only a little 24 hour stint at home in between workshops. We have spent time apart before, a week at a time. But this two weeks business stinks! I've moped around, watched a lot of TV, and done a whole lot of nothing. The dog has gotten more attention lately, but that's about it. Life just isn't right when he's not here.

(Awwwwww.)

So as much as I love talking about the great Mississippi River floods of "aught-8", I love my sweetie more.

I know. Isn't it disgusting?

Facebook Update - "Spicy Farkle Edition"

It'll be a couple of weeks until I can get back to facebook. I can't check it at school, and Joe has our laptop with him at a workshop. So if you have messaged me, or Poked! me or sent me flair, thank you very much, but you're not getting anything back for a little while. Please don't be offended.

For those of you who asked, "Spicy Farkle" is a dice game with 6 dice (die...? never been sure on that one), each having one side which is red. You roll the dice as many times as you feel brave enough, always trying to add to your score with each roll. Every red dice/die/? you roll doubles the final score. But if you roll a combination which doesn't earn any points, you lose everything you have banked in that turn. Why I like it: It's a game of chance and guts which usually leads to someone screaming out NOOOOOOOooooooooo. It's easy to carry on a conversation while you play, and it's hard to cheat, which means I don't have to keep so close an eye on the yayhoos I usually play with.

Lastly, If I could update my profile right now, it would say:

Joanna is: thinking she should have spent less time blogging and watching TV this week, and more time getting things done. Curse you, Dwayne Shrute!

A Retrospective

I just went back and read a couple of old posts, just to make sure I haven't said anything totally embarrassing or too personal - not that I really care. I've always been kinda transparent.

But the one from December, "In the Flesh", struck a chord with me this morning. I regretted not having enough opportunities to outright teach my students with more spiritual intent. But yesterday, I got to take part in an interesting little discussion prompted by three students I tutor in the afternoon about the definition of a "Christian". I mostly listened, because it always amuses me to know what kids say on the subject. And you can always hear what they've picked up from their parents. And when they flat-out asked me, I had a chance to clarify a few conflicting misunderstandings. (My understanding on the subject in public schools is that I can answer questions when asked, but I cannot initiate an exclusively religious/spiritual discussion.)

Yesterday was perty near blissful. Kids were a little on the sluggish side as they work back into their normal sleeping habits, thrown off by the holiday. I rearranged my room with chairs, which corralled some of the wilder students. I started a new classroom management technique for the next term which had a pleasing effect and gave them more peer accountability. I felt like such a success at the end of the day. And I know it had to do a lot with changing my attitude about handling this position on my own power. Aren't you thankful that God gives us time to get things right, that He patiently guides and prods us along until we come around to the lesson He's been trying to teach us for the last six years?

Me too.

Praise

My medication for this month will be double what I have been taking - so I'm going to be LOADS of fun to be around. If you want the specs, here it goes: my progesterone level was .89 the last time it was tested. If I were getting ready to conceive, it would have been higher than 5. So, I've got a long way to go. More medicine. More bloodwork. More waiting.

Which leads me to my next point...

I got a new devotion book which has daily collections, a couple of paragraphs worth, of related Psalms and space to reflect with one sentence to guide your thoughts. Yesterday's was "Praise the Lord of Heaven". Today's was "Remember the Lord's Faithfulness".

As I praised yesterday, I prayed that the Lord would teach me David's secret of patient praise. You know what I mean? Praising God even when He's making you wait on what you want? Scripture doesn't tell us "Blessed are all those who wait on what they want." It says "Blessed are all those who wait ON THE LORD." Some fruity, girly women's speaker on the radio yesterday said something that was so cheesey - which I hate, which is why I am selective about the women's conferences I go to (no offense, if you're into that kinda thing) - but, dangit, she was right.

"Disappointments are God-appointments. Take your unanswered prayers and broken heart to Him." It reminded me of those favorite verses about God being nearer to the broken than those who have it all together. And I love that characteristic of God. So today's devo about remembering God's faithfulness put 2 & 2 together for me.

Patient praise comes from remembering who God is. He may not be giving me what I want right now. But He's here. When I am at my lowest depression - be it medically induced, or just the plain ol' blues - He is nearer to me at that moment than any.

Now, as my ol' daddy would say, if that don't light yore fire, the wood's wet.

Thank you, God, for being near me, and especially for putting up with me. Thank you for not giving me what I want when I wanted it, because I wasn't ready. And only you know when I will be. As I wait, let me be waiting on YOU.

Amen, y'all.

On the Brain...

Wow, I haven't been on to blog in so long, I almost forgot my password. How did I have two whole weeks of vacation and not get anything accomplished? I mean, besides setting my new years goals - most of which I have kept, but it's only January 6, so give it time.

I had houseplans on the brain most of the time - to an unhealthy degree, most likely. The present edition is a modified version of what you see here.
















A friend once told me that every time there's a lull in a conversation, someone is thinking about Abraham Lincoln. Not me. I think about paint colors, ceiling textures, finishes on light fixtures (colonial bronze or cast iron?), and countertops. Oh, the countertops....But I digress.

I hear this little Paul Baloche song in my head most of the time I'm working on a new plan, trying to shave a few square feet of off the total, while keeping a huge open concept great room, kitchen, and dining room - because I have this idea of being the hostess with the mostest for all kinds of church fellowships for youth, young adults, and visits from the extended family.... Oh, I was talking about that song.... Anyway, he sings a song taken from two scriptures: one of the Psalms - "Unless the Lord builds a house, they labor in vain" and Ephesians 6 -"Keep on praying in the Spirit". I didn't always understand the connection until I was actually in the process of building a house. Things haven't worked out in real time the way I wanted them to on paper, and some things were more expensive than planned for. So prayer has become the mortar putting the pieces together. And more than that, it has been giving me peace about the pieces.

People ask where we are in the process. Well - I'm still working on the plan, which will have to be blueprinted, which will have to go by the contractor, who will make a bid, so we can start our application for financing. So we are one step away from being on step one. And in the meantime, we have to get our property released, and mom and dad's house listed, as they will have a new master suite in our new house, with a handicapable bath and no more housenote.

It's very overwhelming. But it will be rewarding in the end. I am learning to be patient about the whole thing. I had wanted to be breaking ground right now, so we could move in during the summer. Now it's more like late spring for building to Christmas for moving in, if even that early. I keep looking at everything from the standpoint of wanting the house finished before a baby comes. (Starting round #6 today.) So I have at least 9 months. I can be patient. And a lot can happen in the meantime.

I have more to say about being patient. But I will save that for my next post. It's a little more spiritual. You'll just have to wait. No pun intended.

Or maybe it is...