I have about a week before I should test and see if the second round of meds worked. I'm thinking and preparing for negative results. I used little test strips all this month to see if anything was happening with the medication. I never saw the LH surge - whatever that is - to know that the medication had indeed stimulated my hormones and body to the point of cooperating. Never detecting the surge led me to believe that I had another month of no success.
This is getting harder and harder to accept without whining. Because of our line of work in youth ministry, we are always hearing about girls getting pregnant waaaaaaay before they're ready. And here we are, waaaaaaaay ready but not able.
I'm gonna go stick my head back in Psalm 73 for a few days, and try to get okay with God choosing not to heal me. It doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not - as far as God's sovereignty is concerned. But for my own sanity, I have to get not just okay, but thankful that God is acting in our lives in accordance with his timing.
My friend over at "Picking Up Pebbles" had a great post about being reminded of God as a healer. The part that got me was that God cares for those whom the world has cast aside. This is the concept that put us on the adoption path to begin with.
So, we try one more time. Then, if that doesn't work, we do either surgery or meds and just make sure that I can at least be regular enough to not put myself at risk for some kind of ovarian or endometrial cancer, since I'm making little cysts each month. And it's all adoption from there on out.
That's the update. It's a roller coaster, for sure. And the thing that I want to waver the least - although forced hormones make it difficult - is my faith. I have prayed with Hannah's aching heart, and though there are surprises around the corner for certain, I am about ready to call the game. But we'll give it one more shot.
Help me hang in there.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Just sitting here...
....drinking some water from the fountain that tastes like bleach, thinking, "Something has to change."
I'm not just thinking about the quality of the water, although that leaves a lot to be desired. (Would it be so hard to get a Culligan man to stop by? Seriously - it's not like I'm asking to drink gasoline!) I'm actually thinking about my life right now.
For those of you who hate to get tangled into conversations with that particular friend of yours who's always got a "long story" about the difficult intricacies of her life, fast forward to the brown corolla.
For the rest of you, who like a little drama in your life, here's where mine has been lately.
Pregnancy try #2 got officially underway on August 21. Why I chose that day is a neat story. I'll put it in another blog. Hurricane Gustav upset the apple cart with schools closed, and inlaws from southeast Texas evacuating to Hattiesburg.
Hurricane Peggy - my precious mother-in-law - arrived ready to work to help us get ready to sell my parents' house. So not only were there 50 mph winds, there was also a whirlwind of activity that involved going through old possessions and equipment that haven't moved for the ten years my parents have been in their house. There were some things we weren't prepared to deal with in throwing out, or giving away, and there was some emotional upheaval about it all. I didn't realize how disruptive it would be to have to make a decision about so many little things at once, as we got into this project.
Then, because Hurricane Ike loomed in the forecast, the inlaws never left town. They decided to ride this one out in Hattiesburg as well. But this time they were joined by 14 more. They're not all staying at our house. That'd be insane - and I don't need the extra push right now. Just as the fertility hormones are getting to their full strength, and I'm already a basket case, I find myself being the reluctant hostess to so many friends and family members. I don't have to cook for all of them, or anything like that. But every plan made in the last two weeks has revolved around someone or something other than my little nuclear family of me and my husband.
Not that we'd get to see each other very much anyway, because in the midst of all this, our church schedule changed. Things have gone well, and God is blessing and moving. We're so thankful for our church's obedience, and hope they'll continue. But all this change means redoing a routine that was working fairly well. I have new responsibilities with these changes. And while it will all work out as time goes by, starting the new schedule and duties under all the other family duress has made doing an excellent job difficult. And these things need to be done with excellence.
Speaking of getting things done, this brings me back to the whole - trying to get pregnant - saga. Suffice it to say - yeah, right! When? And, how? I mean, I know how it works. But with people all around, staying up late trying to register with FEMA, and just plain not feeling like it after dealing with all this other stuff.....
And then there's my parents. Mom decided to quit taking her shots, and her sugar sprang up to over 600. Her BP bottomed out at 58/38. So we made a late night trip to confess her sins to the doctor. He wanted to put her in the hospital for an IV, saying the drop had to do with her sugar dehydrating her. So I've been up her tailgate about taking medicine and drinking a gallon of water a day. And she's been doing it for about 5 days now. BP fluctuates, but stays near normal, and the sugar has gone down to 286. But it's a daily battle with that woman. She told the doctor - "I keep telling Joanna to take care of her self so she won't end up like me..." to which I answered - "What, belligerent?"
I have never looked forward to going to school so much.
Which gets us back to the nasty water and where it all started - "Something has to change!"
I know it will. Flood waters will recede. Inlaws will go home. Home health will start coming to check on mom and dad. Dust will settle at church, and a new routine will be established. But what has me feeling particularly pessimistic is the thought that somehow all this current stress will block the medication from working this month, or we'll miss our window because we just couldn't get together.
What I am longing for is a great sigh of relief. I need to do like I used to in college, when I would get in my little brown toyota corolla and roll the windows down as I drove to Sardis Lake while listening to Dennis Jernigan sing.... "When the night is falling, and the day is done, I can hear you calling - Come! I will come, while you sing over me." And I would cry, to the point that driving wasn't safe anymore. This usually occurred during the spring semester - right after a lonely Valentines day would have me in a good funk, or during midterms, or after weekends without sleep as I traveled leading worship for youth retreats, too many to name.
Probably, in the next week or so, I will hear about someone who just lost their child unexpectedly, or who is being tortured in prison for their faith, or it might be one of those 14 relatives who find out their home was one of the submerged variety. Something will snap me back to an awareness that my current trials are mere blips on the difficulty radar, and that someone else has incoming enemy fire. The challenge is to let God pull me out of the mire - which is a pretty good description of the effects of pity and worry - and set my feet on a rock, so I can reach down to someone who needs an actual physical hand up.
And in the end, I discover that the something that needs to change is my perspective.
Grace and Peace, Y'all.
For more on reality checking your perspective - check out Psalm 73, a personal favorite for kicks in the pants.
I'm not just thinking about the quality of the water, although that leaves a lot to be desired. (Would it be so hard to get a Culligan man to stop by? Seriously - it's not like I'm asking to drink gasoline!) I'm actually thinking about my life right now.
For those of you who hate to get tangled into conversations with that particular friend of yours who's always got a "long story" about the difficult intricacies of her life, fast forward to the brown corolla.
For the rest of you, who like a little drama in your life, here's where mine has been lately.
Pregnancy try #2 got officially underway on August 21. Why I chose that day is a neat story. I'll put it in another blog. Hurricane Gustav upset the apple cart with schools closed, and inlaws from southeast Texas evacuating to Hattiesburg.
Hurricane Peggy - my precious mother-in-law - arrived ready to work to help us get ready to sell my parents' house. So not only were there 50 mph winds, there was also a whirlwind of activity that involved going through old possessions and equipment that haven't moved for the ten years my parents have been in their house. There were some things we weren't prepared to deal with in throwing out, or giving away, and there was some emotional upheaval about it all. I didn't realize how disruptive it would be to have to make a decision about so many little things at once, as we got into this project.
Then, because Hurricane Ike loomed in the forecast, the inlaws never left town. They decided to ride this one out in Hattiesburg as well. But this time they were joined by 14 more. They're not all staying at our house. That'd be insane - and I don't need the extra push right now. Just as the fertility hormones are getting to their full strength, and I'm already a basket case, I find myself being the reluctant hostess to so many friends and family members. I don't have to cook for all of them, or anything like that. But every plan made in the last two weeks has revolved around someone or something other than my little nuclear family of me and my husband.
Not that we'd get to see each other very much anyway, because in the midst of all this, our church schedule changed. Things have gone well, and God is blessing and moving. We're so thankful for our church's obedience, and hope they'll continue. But all this change means redoing a routine that was working fairly well. I have new responsibilities with these changes. And while it will all work out as time goes by, starting the new schedule and duties under all the other family duress has made doing an excellent job difficult. And these things need to be done with excellence.
Speaking of getting things done, this brings me back to the whole - trying to get pregnant - saga. Suffice it to say - yeah, right! When? And, how? I mean, I know how it works. But with people all around, staying up late trying to register with FEMA, and just plain not feeling like it after dealing with all this other stuff.....
And then there's my parents. Mom decided to quit taking her shots, and her sugar sprang up to over 600. Her BP bottomed out at 58/38. So we made a late night trip to confess her sins to the doctor. He wanted to put her in the hospital for an IV, saying the drop had to do with her sugar dehydrating her. So I've been up her tailgate about taking medicine and drinking a gallon of water a day. And she's been doing it for about 5 days now. BP fluctuates, but stays near normal, and the sugar has gone down to 286. But it's a daily battle with that woman. She told the doctor - "I keep telling Joanna to take care of her self so she won't end up like me..." to which I answered - "What, belligerent?"
I have never looked forward to going to school so much.
Which gets us back to the nasty water and where it all started - "Something has to change!"
I know it will. Flood waters will recede. Inlaws will go home. Home health will start coming to check on mom and dad. Dust will settle at church, and a new routine will be established. But what has me feeling particularly pessimistic is the thought that somehow all this current stress will block the medication from working this month, or we'll miss our window because we just couldn't get together.
What I am longing for is a great sigh of relief. I need to do like I used to in college, when I would get in my little brown toyota corolla and roll the windows down as I drove to Sardis Lake while listening to Dennis Jernigan sing.... "When the night is falling, and the day is done, I can hear you calling - Come! I will come, while you sing over me." And I would cry, to the point that driving wasn't safe anymore. This usually occurred during the spring semester - right after a lonely Valentines day would have me in a good funk, or during midterms, or after weekends without sleep as I traveled leading worship for youth retreats, too many to name.
Probably, in the next week or so, I will hear about someone who just lost their child unexpectedly, or who is being tortured in prison for their faith, or it might be one of those 14 relatives who find out their home was one of the submerged variety. Something will snap me back to an awareness that my current trials are mere blips on the difficulty radar, and that someone else has incoming enemy fire. The challenge is to let God pull me out of the mire - which is a pretty good description of the effects of pity and worry - and set my feet on a rock, so I can reach down to someone who needs an actual physical hand up.
And in the end, I discover that the something that needs to change is my perspective.
Grace and Peace, Y'all.
For more on reality checking your perspective - check out Psalm 73, a personal favorite for kicks in the pants.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
As I Write This...
My skin is just CRAWLING over how slow my computer is going right now! I'm doing my usual, trying to do three things at once - blog, copy CDs for people at church, and think about my lesson plans and what didn't work today.
Thanks to Gustav, today (Wednesday) is this week's Monday. I was NOT prepared for class today, because of the disruption of the weather. Things that I had only partially thought through flopped. I had that particular group of troublesome preteens in my afternoon class. The weather is still funky. And to top it off, I am in a hormonal surge thanks to fertility medicine. So I am NOT a happy camper right now.
Someone call and warn my husband before I leave school.
One thing I have yet to figure out is how sins are calculated during hormonal mood swings. Do those rages count against me? Or do I get a pass to act irrationally?
Of course, I know the answer to that is no. No, to both questions.
I don't get a pass to act however my emotions lead me, because "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jer. 17:9). And Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians to take every thought, and I don't think it's too far of a stretch to add emotions, captive that set themselves up against the truth of Christ.
My mood rages don't count against me because all sin, past, present, and future has been paid for on the Cross. That's a blessing, considering this is going to be a struggle until we reach the destination of this road.
I had a teacher friend who went through the same round of treatment that I'm going through and warned about urges to kill her husband. ---She was NOT joking.--- This is not an easy roller coaster to ride, as much as I love those things.
So to all my friends who are following along with this journey, I am not planning to commit any heinous acts. I'm not at that point. But I'd appreciate prayer. And I'm sure my husband would, too, since he has to live with me. Pray for peace. Pray for patience. Pray for pregnancy.
No zinger, this time. Just not in the mood.
Thanks to Gustav, today (Wednesday) is this week's Monday. I was NOT prepared for class today, because of the disruption of the weather. Things that I had only partially thought through flopped. I had that particular group of troublesome preteens in my afternoon class. The weather is still funky. And to top it off, I am in a hormonal surge thanks to fertility medicine. So I am NOT a happy camper right now.
Someone call and warn my husband before I leave school.
One thing I have yet to figure out is how sins are calculated during hormonal mood swings. Do those rages count against me? Or do I get a pass to act irrationally?
Of course, I know the answer to that is no. No, to both questions.
I don't get a pass to act however my emotions lead me, because "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jer. 17:9). And Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians to take every thought, and I don't think it's too far of a stretch to add emotions, captive that set themselves up against the truth of Christ.
My mood rages don't count against me because all sin, past, present, and future has been paid for on the Cross. That's a blessing, considering this is going to be a struggle until we reach the destination of this road.
I had a teacher friend who went through the same round of treatment that I'm going through and warned about urges to kill her husband. ---She was NOT joking.--- This is not an easy roller coaster to ride, as much as I love those things.
So to all my friends who are following along with this journey, I am not planning to commit any heinous acts. I'm not at that point. But I'd appreciate prayer. And I'm sure my husband would, too, since he has to live with me. Pray for peace. Pray for patience. Pray for pregnancy.
No zinger, this time. Just not in the mood.
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